I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
