he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
