I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
