so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
