Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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