I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
