My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
