Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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