I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
