the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
