did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
