I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
