We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
