if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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