fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
