the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
