By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
