Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I AM VODKA MAN
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
