we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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