we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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