I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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