i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
