I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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