he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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