On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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