After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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