It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
