Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize