so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
