What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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