I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
