just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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