At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize