He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
