I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
