i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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