Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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