your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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