Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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