Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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