Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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