Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
