Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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