dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
