He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
