I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
