So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
