I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize