Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
