i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
