Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
