I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
