just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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