i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
