I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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