So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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