I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
