the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
