...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
