just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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