I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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