marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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