can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How does it feel to date your dad?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
