The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Less talking, more tequila
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
