I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We are all done wearing pants today
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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