Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
